I read my Bible and pray less, but I love people in a realer (not a word, but I like it) way. And I love Jesus more. This, at times, is incredibly frustrating.
In high school I had high hopes for 21 year old Anna. She would be praying at least two hours a day and constantly quoting scripture. But, God never works like we plan. In my mind, as my love for God and my knowledge of grace grows, so does time spent with Him. I believe this to be true as a general rule for those with an established faith. However, He has a way of stripping away any source of pride that hinders us from falling on our knees in humble adoration of His accomplishment on the cross.
In Italy I realized that I didn't want God. I wanted what God gave me. I didn't want to walk with Him, know Him, hear from Him, or sit in the silence to hear about a Love that couldn't be earned...a Love that isn't legitimized by any effort on my part. When I failed I wanted Him to be disappointed until I could work back into favor.
I could talk about grace all day long, and I did....but never once did I consider its implications. Never once did I ask myself- do I REJOICE? God's grace was enough for THAT person, of course, but it couldn't be enough for me. I couldn't just offer myself to God, bringing nothing. However, I quickly learned that I have nothing of worth to present to the King- my heart wasn't pure.
He waits. He waits for us to come with nothing, eager to embrace us when no one else is.
May we be brave enough to discover our own depravity and fears; and may we turn to see Him waiting.