Saturday, August 16, 2014

often afraid.

With sweaty palms, heart racing, and a knot in my stomach, I walked to the goal. I had been chosen. My position was center midfield, but when shoot-out time came, I was goalie. Of course. The best time to play goalie. Penalty kicks. I hated them.
I reflect back on the time I played soccer with regret. I never gave it my all. Events in 2009 forever scarred my little ninth grade mind. I feared failure above all else, and, consequently, for the next four years I refused to perform to the best of my ability. I was constantly afraid that it wouldn't be good enough. It was better to know that when my 75% wasn't good enough, it was only my 75%. Being a member of a relatively "successful" family and my Dad's incessant questions about my future didn't help the situation. 
Today, I sit and wonder if I've been doing this on my spiritual journey. What role have I allowed fear to play in my walk through life? 
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."1 John 4:18
How often do I fail to love! To truly love yourself, others, and God himself, fear must be annihilated. Love, in its purest form, is selfless. It is aware, but unconcerned with the possibility of failure and rejection. Love plunges headlong into the deep end. It is honest when the truth is uncomfortable. Love encourages, without fear of appearing uncool or being unappreciated. Love refuses to be indifferent, even when others are. Love sacrifices for the benefit of friends, family, and enemies. Love leaves it all on the field. The only way this can become a reality in our lives is if we can grasp that we are truly known and irreversibly accepted by the One who perfected love on the cross. Only from that place of security can we draw the strength we need to love. No reserves. No retreats. No regrets. 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

nothing clever

So... I re-read my last post and was a little shocked. I may have been a little dramatic, but whatever. Exaggeration makes for a better read, right?
Got back from Seattle around 12:45 this morning. I have orientation tomorrow at my new school. I may change my major from nursing to international affairs with a minor in Arabic. Maybe. I don't know, but I have to decide in the next six hours. It's 3:45 and I can't sleep.
Basically, life is still full of decisions.
Getting the sense that this process of consciously trusting Jesus will never end. I just hope it gets easier!